A heartborken event : unrequited love

And so it came just as it is

a day no longer here

And through my trembling fingertips

the memories of the year

I wave farewell to all our dreams,

I will forget you never.

I wonder if our crazy times

will stay with you forever.

But as I cry in pain of losing

My dear and such a good friend

I will not turn back and say,

"Farewell, this is the end."

For good byes create swift hellos

And days from now you'll see,

That though it hurts to say good bye,

Your friend I'll always be.

===========================================

I never thought of the day would come so soon, as I was staring right in front of my computer.

My consciences question me about the consequences, my mind told me I wasn't ready, but my heart told me it is the time to get thing straight. And right here i thought, I could fix things... yeah, I can... I done this before........

But I was wrong, how could I possibly change a person who chose to be that way? Under all the pressure and the burden she carried with her shoulders, I've made things worse. It just didn't seem right. It felt like her heart would have to like me if I liked her. I would wonder if she ever thought about me. I would wonder if I ever meant anything to her. I would torture myself with these thoughts.

I can accept the fact she changed, like she said people never going to be the same...Some people change for the benefit of a healthier lifestyle and much personal satisfaction, people like me? It made me carry a heavy heart to see friends not the way they are. I seen before, some ppl come into our lives and quickly go, some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts.... and we are never ever the same.

She however, is what I thought the perfect in every way. After the long years, I had the feeling, the feeling that I get when something is not right no matter how or in anyway I approach. The same feeling I had when i was form3.The feeling I'm going to loose her.

The argument had set things straight, for now. There many words for me to say, but I couldn't say it out loud. My hands are shaking, I felt the chilling breeze and I'm afraid. Although, I had already shared my feelings to her, although she doesn't feel the same way, she hadn't put herself into my shoes. True understanding is deeper in meaning that in mere words and is important for its result, is not pretty rhetoric. Those who can verbalize their happiness have little happiness to speak of. My love has grown so much that EVEN I can't tell even half of it in words.

Rejections is not a common feed backs I always get. But from her... her words, it hurts and it hurts badly. I felt numb, but not frozen in shock. I could have been hollow. Her words, in that conversation itself... some were like a sledgehammer rammed directly to the fragile red glass; some were stars brighten up the whole sky.

It's an unrequited relationship.

How it hurts to love someone and be denied his or her love in return. But as the saying, To loved and lost in better than not loved at all. The events in the year before is like yesterday to me. Promises are made, some to be fulfilled. Some are forgotten. And even you remind them, denial is a bliss. It's been a tough 10 month living in the world of ignorant, from someone who you truly cares. Perhaps it is just me, perhaps not. We have what we desire, we work for it. And so I done my part, and she has her own left...

The rejection had maybe drag me down, her story of her life never cease to amaze me. I had respected people who cherish their love ones. And yet, I never seen anyone who could like someone for a very long time. At first, I thought I know each other very well. Yes and she told me she had feelings for 3 people, and I never thought the 3rd person would be another. But that doesn't matter, all i know... everyone have their secrets... and some are not meant to be shared. If you're reading this right now, just wanna let you know how much I admired your perseverance and patience. You have shown me much ever since i knew you.. I admit, you and I have alot of similarity, like you said... is the way we choose to live our life that made us different.

It's terribly amusing how many different climates of feeling one can go through in a day. Our conversation ended at 2am in the morning... I couldn't sleep, not because I'm heartbroken, it is that the question is still left unanswered.

I may ask too many WHYs, in my heart it's just human.. who doesn't understand what's going on...during the whole year, foe became friends... people that i used to ignore become laughing buddies. I never expected most is from friends...became something.. well you know the rest.

After all that, you wouldn't be there for me anymore. Now you sail away and said "I'll leave you drift here on your own, swim for yourself. You don't need anything, find another..or pray a ship sinks".

Putting my fears aside, I know I can handle this myself... the human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it. Losing you, is more like losing in chess; the more you play, the more you learn. I hoped what you said, are not true... it sounds like almost you are independent. A person that refuse to accept the gift of sharing the burden. To readers out there, if you read until here.. i have three purpose for this long post... one of them is to stop you from reading.

Your true colours are not yet to be shown, and yet mine too. We haven't know each other and yet we I thought I knew. Now here comes an end.

Follow the flow, is what me and you had in common. The flow brought me here... no one can predict where it will take you. Now you tell me to move forward, I already did. My purpose to share is to indicate that I'm still on the journey. You said that you're happy, but actions speaks louder than words. My actions had affected you, in the way that you couldn't find joy when speaking with me. And you're right, I don't sense the light we used to had since May. Maybe I made a big fuss over it, but do you wonder why??? Why am I so concern about our friendship? Even so, I may have liked you... but why i chose not to throw that feeling away? Not to channel it somewhere and totally act as if i doesn't know you anymore? I wouldn't be jealous if you still liked them. At least I had someone i treasured like my own little sister. It's a reward, just not permanently. Things will never be the same again... i predicted.

There are still question not yet to be answered. It's hard to sit and wonder, where did i go wrong? The answer may come to me soon or later, or maybe it'll be left hanging and never be found.. until we are old enough.... I hope we'll laugh about this. And limits can be push beyond.

It's not impossible.. nothing is.

*off~

(crack)